With 15 years of mmo play under my belt, I’ve been witness to a lot of social interaction, some good, some bad, some downright pathetic, the whole gamut. As a female gamer I want to talk about a particular type of social animal; the Creeper. No, not the Minecraft type, I’m talking about guys who start out seeming perfectly decent people, but over time they develop into something you really want to avoid, something…creepy. It’s not a new subject, just do a search on “Don’t be a Creeper” and you find a slew of articles on the subject. I just wanted to share my thoughts on how to deal with Creepers and stop them ruining your game. I also want to advise a few guys out there on how they can avoid becoming Creepers themselves, because I really don’t think they mean to be.
I’ll set some ground rules first. This article will have Adult Content, and while I cannot imagine this site having junior readers, if adult content offends you then stop reading now. I will also be offering a primarily female perspective here. I am not suggesting there are no female equivalents of Creepers, there most certainly are, but I don’t have enough experience from a male perspective to advise on them. I will also be making a few general statements about a minority of players, I am perfectly aware that every person is an individual.
What is a Creeper?
So you’ve met this other player. He seems nice and you start playing together for a while. Over time you develop a decent friendship and have a few long conversations about ‘stuff’ that isn’t even game related. As you get more comfortable with each other he begins to make a few suggestive comments, no big thing so you let it go. The comments start to become more pointed and directed at you, but it’s just friendly banter right? So you let it go. Then you realise, things have changed. He’s constantly turning the conversation towards something sexually suggestive, or seeking personal information about yourself. He wants your social media info and some pictures. You say no, but that just makes his advances more aggressive. You suddenly realise your nice online friend has become … a Creeper.
Creepers are really just ordinary people made more bold and sexually overt due to the anonymity of the internet. The game begins to fray around the edges or be entirely forgotten as the Creeper takes a romantic interest in either you personally, or your character. I’m not talking about role play love affairs here, I’m talking about the internet equivalent of being felt up at the office. You can pursue a sexual or romantic interest in someone and not be a Creeper, it’s all about the approach you use and whether or not you understand what ‘no’ really means. I will not make sweeping statements about online guys being basement nerds without social skills, it’s simply not true any more, this is something beyond. It’s an infatuation consistently being expressed in an inappropriate manner despite constant avoidance, rebuking and rejection.
How to deal with a Creeper
As a woman, society has placed a certain expectation on us to establish the boundaries of any relationship. If you act too friendly, we are accused of leading the guy on, but act too cold and we are being frigid or stuck up. Knowing where to draw that line is a major part of how we learn to manage our social interactions. The management of Creepers really falls under this same category of learned social management, but it’s further complicated by the communicative restrictions of the internet.
When we are being friendly with a guy in real life, you can see that look in their eye when they suddenly reassess you, when they consider moving you from the ‘friend’ column to the ‘potential sexual partner’ column. In real life we can immediately react to that look by acting in a way that either moves us back to the friend column, or accept their new designation. On the internet we don’t get ‘the look’, so we can unwittingly accept a guy’s advances without ever being aware of it, at least in their minds. I theorise that guys are often used to women drawing the lines for them, so they are not familiar with monitoring their own behaviour and just assume a woman is accepting their interest without recognising the filtered communication going on.
There really is only one way to avoid this miscommunication. Most communication will be in text only, so other than a few easily misleading emoticons, our communication is robbed of many of the nuances we are used to using. I have not found voice chat really helps that much, because I’ve noticed many women pitch their voice in a manner that might be interpreted as provocative when lacking non-verbal components. We tend to shift our tone when talking with guys, when robbed of facial expression and body language, we are less able to clearly indicate the difference between humour and genuine flirting.
I honestly think most Creepers are as much victims of this limited communication as the women they stalk. In the early days of my MMO life I was constantly surrounded by people I thought of as Creepers, because I tend to be a fairly exuberant person online so guys would often read me as being more interested in them than I was. I had to relearn how to behave online, because I didn’t realise myself how much we rely on non-verbal communication to declare our intent. I never acted like a slut, not even on day one, I always acted with decorum and never did anything suggestive, I was simply happy-go-lucky. These days I maintain an awareness of how my words might be read. This means I often won’t say things or make jokes that I used too, but I am still able to be upbeat and have fun.
By learning to communicate better in the text only environment I now rarely have an issue with guys. Guys still like me and want to be friends, but things don’t tend to escalate as often. When a guy does make an unwanted move, I simply drop out of character and direct a firm, clear and direct ‘no’ at the behaviour. For example, I was out chatting with a male friend late one evening and he moved into something sexual. I simply said “No, please don’t go there. I’m flattered you might think of me in that way but I really don’t want to complicate things by being anything but friends. Ok?” He was terribly embarrassed with himself, but I honestly think it was the right move. That said, the guy stopped playing as often, so perhaps it’s not the best resolution. Still, we have to not shoulder all the responsibility for how others act and I’m comfortable that I did the right thing.
I never share personal stuff any more. I used to put a pic on my site, then I switched the pic to a private part of the site so I could share it only with friends, but now you won’t find a pic of me anywhere on this server. Sharing pictures and personal information seems to be an internet non-verbal that suggests you might like to expand your interactions to outside the game. I’m not rude to people, I just avoid requests for personal data. Incarnica and I also had some terribly unpleasant stuff happen in our early online life which taught us very strong lessons about the folly of sharing personal data of any sort. Of course most requests for personal information are just idle curiosity and are perfectly harmless, but if it’s important to you to keep yourself safe, just don’t take the risk.
I personally advise against in game role play relationships. Yes, they should be a natural part of in game role play, but all too often I’ve seen it turn sour for others. I’ve seen one guild collapse due to a misinterpreted in game relationship. I’ve seen an in game marriage lead to obsessive stalking and truly revolting degrees of emo behaviour. It’s just not worth risking your online life for something you can do better in your own imagination.
If all the above fails and a guy still refuses to back off then you now have an absolutely legitimate Creeper. Make clear declarations for them to stop and leave you alone. Journal the interactions, take screen shots and be consistent in your demands for them to desist. Once you have a few examples, report them for their behaviour, providing the screenshots as proof. After that it’s just a cycle of reporting and blocking. Make sure that before you block them you tell them they are being blocked, but never tell them you are reporting them. If you warn them of the reports there is a great deal of Creeper activity they can engage in while remaining below the threshold for disciplinary action. I hate to say it, but many men and women refuse to accept Creeper behaviour as wrong, so action is often not taken. If you have been wise and not shared all your social media info, take a break from the game for a little while, or shift the hours you play, until the Creeper gives up and leaves.
So to summarize:
- Expect your text to be read incorrectly and learn to write more effectively.
- Stop inappropriate advances firmly and resolutely early on, the issue will only get worse if you don’t.
- Don’t share personal info, not even made up stuff, it’s an invitation to advance the relationship.
- If all else fails, report, block and move on.
How to not be a Creeper
For most guys it’s actually really easy to not be a Creeper and still show interest in the women you game with. For a start, you can just game with a woman like you game with anyone else. Just treat a female gamer as a fellow gamer, nothing more. Most women I know would love this solution above all else. Here’s a little tip guys; real women don’t respond well to men showering them with gifts. Excessive gift giving indicates you want to be that woman’s provider. If you wouldn’t give it to a guy, don’t give it to a gal. If a woman constantly plays you for gifts, she’s either immature, or another guy playing a girl for loot. So, just treat us as gamers and a long a fun friendship can take place.
If you do want to make romantic advances, be aware of the limitations of text only communication and make your moves with those limitations in mind. Not saying ‘no’ does not mean ‘yes’, but saying ‘no’ always means ‘no’. If you are turned down then please do not dump us as friends, that’s so immature. I know a lot of women who have this happen not just in games but in real life, myself included. We won’t sleep with you so that’s it, friendship over? Guys make jokes about women doing that whole ‘friendzone’ thing, well here’s the thing; we’d actually really like to have some real genuine friends, not just fuck buddies.
Please don’t judge us by our avatar. Sometimes we like to wear something more revealing because we could never bring ourselves to wear something like that in real life. More often, there simply isn’t anything pretty to wear in game that isn’t revealing of over sexualized in some way. It’s taken a while for me to accept, but these days I’m actually fine with the concept that a guy might want to have sexual fantasies about my character, or even me. I accept now that it’s actually flattering in a way that I might be the subject of your sexual fantasies, it means I must be doing something attractive in the way I dress or interact. I also accept that being the subject of someone’s sexual fantasy does not make me a slut. Fantasise all you like, I don’t mind, just keep your fantasies in your head, I really don’t want to hear them, honestly. Sharing fantasies is what lovers do, and just because you imagined we are lovers it doesn’t mean we are. I truly think this one issue is the most definitive line between maturity and immaturity, the line between thinking and acting. We are not living in a George Orwell novel, thought-crime is not a thing, but actions are.
Try to understand that like men, not all women are alike. Just because some women find your behaviour acceptable it doesn’t mean all women feel the same way. Many women still don’t understand that they are entitled to express their opinion to men, a Christian upbringing will do that, so they remain silent when they should speak up. So just because you have been allowed to behave a certain way towards women, it doesn’t mean it’s a good way to behave. Sadly, some women seem to feel compelled to act in a slutty manner in order to receive approval from others, this doesn’t revoke her rights to basic respect, it just means she in insecure. Also, just because a woman might permit some small act, such as telling you a dirty joke, it doesn’t mean she has given you permission to have sex with her. If a guy makes a gay joke is he giving permission to be sodomised? I think not.
To summerise again:
- Treat us as gamers first.
- Recognise the limits of text communication, if you want a relationship to advance use text correctly.
- No still means no, in the real world and in the fantasy world.
- Don’t judge others by their avatar.
- Keep your fantasies to yourself. Even if you think we asked to hear your fantasies, think twice before sharing any.
- Not all people have the same tolerance levels to certain behaviours.
- One act does not give broad permission, just like a short skirt is not an invitation to rape.
Final Word
Some guys are immature, no matter what age they are, and some women might act like sluts because they just think it’s expected behaviour for them online. The internet is full of shades of grey, and true maturity is understanding and respecting individual personal boundaries. Online, many people seem to assume that stepping over the boundaries is the norm, and that people will pull them back if they go too far. A mature gamer only steps over the boundaries when clearly invited. Text only communication is woefully flawed and it takes a lot of experience to realise how to work within the constraints.
Most guys are perfectly decent and normal human beings and the Creeper label is generally given out a little too swiftly. The label is often applied as a defensive mechanism, because allowing certain behaviours can escalate things into uncomfortable areas. The true joy of the MMO is in the diversity we can encounter, but that diversity must be respected. Respect should not be viewed as a limiting factor, but as a baseline behaviour.
Creepers are a real thing, and the anonymity of the internet is a breeding ground for a degree of bad behaviour that is frightening in the future implications. Yet with a little common sense and management, there is no reason for Creepers to be allowed to persist and continue to exist. In the disputed words of Edmund Burke, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” Well, when it comes to Creepers; All that is necessary for the triumph of Creepers is that good women do nothing. Don’t passively allow this behavior, take a stand and make your feelings known.